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smurfy
Follow me on tumblr: CaptainKabluey.tumblr.com
 
#
2016: AT A GLANCE?

Twelfth Annual "hey how ya doin” Survey, KINDA SAD OUTCOME EDITION

 

1. What did you do in 2016 that you'd never done before?

 

I was best man in a wedding, I actually got in your face fired instead of just casually being left to my own devices elsewhere and then rehired instantly, I got rejected outright for a new job without so much as a glance, I’m going to work on christmas eve, I don’t know. I feel like this year I was short on firsts that weren’t tragedies. The wedding thing was good though. I went to about 95 weddings this year.

 

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 

 

My goal is to have a goal. Anything. Anywhere. Please.

 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 

 

No one stupendously close to me gave birth but plenty of approximate friends are having kids now.

 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

 

My Grandmother died early this year without much warning. I wasn’t there with her, but at least someone was. She actually died about two weeks after I did this last year.

 

5. What countries did you visit?

 

I didn’t even leave the state this year. I quit my traveling job.

 

 6. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016? 

 

A future. A goal. Anything.

 

7. What date(s) from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

 

The election as it was a celebration of the end of hearing people talk about the election. Probably doing the test footage for that nightmare crap fest that was Silent Wood (HOW BOUT A NICE TWELVE MILE HIKE), and the subsequent staged reading trash world. My cousin Seans’ wedding and the subsequent realization that I completely lost the relationship we had a long time ago, just like so many other relationships in my life that I have failed to maintain. A lot of times Katey and I went to the parkway were great. I found a new spot there.

 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 

 

This choose your own adventure story I wrote. I blew my brains out writing it but I did it, and it was really cool. Maybe the walking dead video. I didn’t accomplish anything of any substantial value. Sorry everyone. 

 

9. What was your biggest failure? 

 

The year 2016. Every single thing from the top to bottom just holy shit. I guess in retrospect it was asking Bret to move in because I needed a room mate and he was literally a giant sack of dog breath on wheels. was that 2015? lol. kill me.

 

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury? 

 

No but I’m fat as hell.

 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

 

The first book in The Expanse series. Titanfall 2. 

 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? 

 

Lots of my friends are moving onto new things in their lives, and they’re looking good doing it.

 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed? 

 

Every body that uses social media and people who say “mainsplaining” un-ironically, maybe the thing where people use crazy town word math to prove they aren’t racist butt bombs.

 

14. Where did most of your money go?

 

Rent, loans, and my car. 

 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 

 

Rogue One but it was ass, my cousin Seans’ wedding but I was ass. Getting my choose your own adventure story into the world and hoping that someone would hire me because of it.

 

16. What song(s) and/or ablum(s) will always remind you of 2016?

 

lol probably Radioheads’ The Bends because I couldn’t stop listening to it this year. Head Carrier was a favorite as well, so probably “All I Think About Now”

 

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:

 

More worried that I am wasting my life in Boone North Carolina with nowhere else to go because I am not qualified for any job.

 

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? 

 

Writing.

 

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? 

 

Sitting around thinking about writing.

 

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

 

I will be driving down to Winston to see my family, and if I don’t die on the way there or the way back, I will then come back and go to sleep then go to work the next day.

 

22. Did you fall in love in 2016?

 

Katey still loves me this year and I still love her this year so this was a victory.

 

23. How many one-night stands?

 

I spent many a night making love to sandwiches and spaghetti, and thats not a euphemism. 

 

24. What was your favorite TV program? 

 

Westworld FOR SURE. Better Call Saul second. Stranger Things also second. 

 

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

 

Maybe people who think the DNC did nothing wrong.

 

26. What was the best book you read? 

 

Leviathan Wakes

 

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

 

I said Foals last year but I don’t remember any song of theirs or why I said Foals. I listened to lots of cool new stuff this year but I didn’t fall in love really with any of it tbh.

 

28. What did you want and get?

 

To write a sweet choose your own adventure story.

 

29. What did you want and not get?

 

“A definite course of action.” – Me in 2015

 

30. What was your favorite film of this year? 

 

Arrival, easy.

 

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

 

I was 28. I had Ruby Tuesday with my parents after coming back from Wilmington and then my GF bought me taco bell once I got back to Boone.

 

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 

 

If for some reason someone at Bungie said “Wow what a great story would you like a job writing a video game ha ha here’s a salary and health insurance and an actual life don’t kill yourself.”

 

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?

 

I only wore two pairs of jeans this entire year, and one of them I only wore maybe four or five days total. 

 

34. What kept you sane?

 

Katey, writing, making anything at all, feeling like I was doing something at all.

 

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? 

 

fart noise that never ends

 

36. What political issue stirred you the most? 

 

that nothing could be good.

 

37. Who did you miss? 

 

Jason and Derek and Michael Hurst and everyone in group chat and everyone who I used to see. I’m lonely in a certain way in Boone a lot.

 

38. Who was the best new person you met?

 

Did I meet anyone this year? I met some cool people playing Pokemon GO! back in the summer but then they never talked to me again after that or responded to my texts so lol

 

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016:

 

This isn’t an audition. I will be nearly 40 in ten years. and ten years ago being age 30 sounded like it would be a long time from then, and it wasn’t.

 

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

 

I wish, I wish, I wish that something would-

I want to live, breathe!

I want to be part of the human race!

I want to live, breathe!

I want to be part of the human race, race, race

No Conversations - Sweet Talk
 
#
Facebook

A little bit ago, right after the Orlando attacks happened  I think(Or was it Dallas? I can’t remember which act of terror it was anymore), I finally had enough of my facebook account. The noise there is unbearable at this point, and every single white person I know has lost their mind one way or another. When I was big into blogs and myspace and facebook and all that stuff I used to really passionately care about, I would add any person to facebook I had ever met in my life. I have come to deeply, truly regret this.

 

I left the account and added the 14 or 15 people I really care about on any level to this little island of mental health retreat account I had set up. I keep, every few days, checking back in to see if it’s safe to return but it is still a nightmare. There are people, I just saw this girl I knew in high school (white, liberal, wealthy. obviously.) defending these Black Lives Matter protests where they block highways. 

 

There’s a particular video where this ambulance with sirens on is trying to get through the line of people but they mob up on it and keep it from leaving until the police finally come and it’s able to scoot away. The girl is there on FB trying to say, well, if someone dies because the ambulance was delayed due to BLM, that’s “justice” for the people the police murdered.

 

Isn’t that the same thinking that gets a bunch of cops shot in the face from a dude hiding in a parking deck? Isn’t that the same sort of thinking that some guy had going on that led him to kill a bunch of gay dudes at a nightclub? “Justice”? Do you think those people the cops killed wanted some random guy in a suburb of some middleweight city to die? For some kind of redemption? 

 

I can’t understand it at all. 

 

Anyway, the moral of the story is to not go back to facebook until at least after this election is over.

 

I used to say, and I’m not sure I don’t believe this anymore, but I definitely am not as loud about it, that as long as you believed in something, no matter right or wrong, if you made the effort to get involved or care at all— that was better than not caring. I truly do not know where I stand on that as of today, honestly, but I think the political climate in America is making people insane right now. The “believe this way or don’t be my friend”, “if you think x you are a bad person” stuff is off the charts right now. I think if I really dwell on it, I was probably a lot like that in 2008 though. I definitely went through a Ron Paul phase, I won’t lie about it.

 

I told someone a few weeks ago I was considering voting for Jill Stein (not unprovoked, they asked), and they lost their minds. If you can vote for someone besides Hillary you have white privilege! If you vote for anyone besides Hillary you hate America! Trump must be stopped! America America America! 

 

I think overall, the internet has a net-negative effect on how people think. Every community, in time, either becomes a hugbox like most of tumblr, or essentially becomes a 4chan like chaotic paradise where no rules apply and everyone hates each other. Which, honestly, isn’t a lot different from the hugbox, except for the fact that the hugbox hates you and the wasteland people hate everyone.

 

Then again, maybe it’s just the fact that I’m twenty seven years old and I have no idea what I’m talking about. I know for a fact that the political climate in America has always been one of loud, scary noises because I’ve read a lot of history books that say so and when has a book ever been wrong etc etc.

 

I don’t know. 

 

Oh, and by the way, Stranger Things on Netflix is the best TV show in the history of TV shows. Unrelated, but way, way more important.

 

 

 
#
Job Pt II

I’m supposed to get a call tomorrow about whether or not I’m “REALLY” fired from my job. Maybe things will work out there, maybe not. I’m hoping hard that they do, but I’m so not in control of the situation. 

 

That’s a thing I have never gotten good at, by the way. Twenty-seven years in and I still need to firmly grasp the remote. I never feel stable and comfortable unless I’m the one in control of where I’m at or what I’m doing. 

 

But, at the end of the day, even that pittance of control is an illusion. 

No Conversations - Sweet Talk
 
#

Applying for a full-time job while also juggling two houses and everything else. It feels like I’m completely out of control for my own life, which is true. None of the things I’m trying to do right now will be decided by me. 

No Conversations - Sweet Talk
 
#
Work-Release

I’ve worked my photography job for about 4 years and 4 months, and earlier this week I noticed I didn’t get a schedule sent to me. I messaged the people I work with, called my boss, but figured, hey, if no one emails me the schedule then I guess I’m free to sleep.

 

Today I called around again, still no answers, until finally my boss calls me back and says “Yeah, sorry Smurfy but I had to take you off the schedule”

 

Like, oh well! LOL!

 

I ask why and she says she “did some research” and found out I missed some work a month or so back. Oddly enough, someone at work told me she was doing this and that the owner of the business we worked at hadn’t known if I was there or not, so he said I hadn’t been, but I actually was.

 

So I have been effectively fired from my job for not missing work but because someone unrelated didn’t give a shit and just said do whatever, man.

 

So I said, why didn’t you call me?

 

“Eh, I didn’t get around to it.”

 

Over 1,500 days worked, more than anyone else in the history of the company, and I wasn’t worth a phone call.

 
#
One-Bedroom

About four years ago, I may have written about it here, but I sincerely doubt it and I can’t be bothered to look, I was looking for an apartment. I had been living with TelevisionMan for awhile, but his parents were selling his apartment so I was out on the lam. 

 

I found a listing for an apartment, one bedroom, spacious, AC, all utilities included, ~$400/mo. Can you imagine? What a deal! I was new to apartment hunting at the time and I was too stupid to see a bad deal for what it is, so I was all-in. I went to check it out. Got a date to look and there I was. 

 

I went with my friend, Derek, to check it out. We arrived on-time, the guide nowhere to be found, until ten minutes later a dude drives up in, in my memory, a rather nice sportscar. I may be making that up at this point. An older dude. 

 

He gets out in a rush, shakes hands, Morgan? Good to meet you, here’s our model unit. 

 

Come on in, here it is, check it out, take your time.

 

It was nearly unlivable. I mean, for a house. You know what I’m saying. It smelled like a dog had been peeing into a butt-bucket for cigarettes for about 70 years straight. Doors off the hinges, shower is a Cronenberg-esque diarrhea demon, it goes on and on. Bare cinder-block walls, wiring literally hanging from the ceiling, on and on and on. The “AC Unit” is essentially a microfridge taped to the only window, whatever.

 

I was out.

 

A couple days ago, I’m out again. Apartment hunting with only days remaining before I’m homeless at this point, when what do I find on the internet but a listing for an apartment, $450, all utilities included and includes AC. (I keep noting the AC— it should be included that in Boone NC where I live AC is NOT common, it’s never really that hot here, and most places built before the mid-90’s simply do not have it.) 

 

Well, golly! I then find a second listing, same exact wording, same contact (David) but with a different number. Huh.

 

That’s weird, and scammy sounding, but I contact both of the David’s on the off-chance he can’t write his own phone number and one of them is wrong. Who really knows, right?

 

The next morning, I get a text from David.

 

“1:15 sturday morning, 2462 rolling rock road c u”

 

I text him back, fantastic, I’ll be available then. But did you mean “Blowing Rock Rd?”

 

His reply: 

 

“Ye”

 

Alright, well this dude is 14 or stupid one, I can’t tell, but whatever. I then get a call a couple hours later from David’s other number.

 

“Morgan? Hi it’s David, you called about a viewing?”

 

“Yeah, but we texted just a few minutes ago.”

 

“We did?”

 

“Yeah, we set an appointment.”

 

“When?”

 

“1:15 saturday morning.”

 

“Alright, bye!”

 

“Wait, wait, wait, can you verify your address for me? You seemed to have trouble with it—“

 

“Yeah its (blah blah blah) Blowing Rock Rd.”

 

“Alright, see you then David.”

 

“When you get here knock on unit two, that’s where I live with my mama”

 

“Uh...”

 

“Bye!”

 

So David lives in a one-bedroom apartment with his Mom, that’s cool, I mean sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

 

I look up the address, and nothing really shows on street view, but I notice something, it’s suspiciously close to that place I remembered, that I was getting increasingly nervous was the same unit I looked at before.

 

So I go out that night and look, and yes, it is in fact the exact some building. Same exact place.

 

The listing had said it’d been recently renovated so I thought, hey, let’s give this the benefit of a doubt, I’m kind of desperate, maybe it IS different now. 

 

Saturday afternoon I arrive, knock on unit 2, a whale-person answers who I assume is David (Age approx 45)’s Mom. David comes out, says, hey, see the model unit, open the door, 

 

and nothing is different. Same dog smell. Same arguing neighbors. Same bare block walls. Same wires. Same fury. 

 

I nearly fell to my knees in tears. Is this all there is. Is it all just looking at the same apartment years apart smelling unbridled dog piss cigarette funk? Is it all just dudes living with their moms in a place without doors on the shower? Is it all just people texting “ye” for affirmative answers that require some level of detail? Is it all just old dudes in sportscars who sell toilet bowl apartment buildings to barely competent Aspie nutcases?

 

The moral of the story is: ye proly 

 
The Old Days Were Better.

May 2017
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Persons Of Interest.

May 26th
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google

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google
You Never Give Me Your Money.

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